Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
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