how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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