I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
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