News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
My liver just had a heart attack.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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