You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
