he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
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