Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
