There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
