He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
