The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
