I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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