You smell like a Billy Joel song
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
