So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
