Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
