im six kinds of drunk right now
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
