Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
