In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
