Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
MIDGETS
????
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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