I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
