We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Just high enough for therapy.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
