my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
