Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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