he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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