good thing vaginas are great cup holders
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
