i permit you to call me
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
