So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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