I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
worst night to have a conscience
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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