why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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