Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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