My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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