HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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