dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Randomize
