I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
