Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
