You made me cry and you don't even care
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
