i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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