she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
