i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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