Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Boobs speak an international language.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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