He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
