he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
