had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I am naked and annoyed.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
