youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
