I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
