The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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