you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
