I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
