I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
