My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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