good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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