well you can't waste a boner
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
