I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Randomize
